2010-10-08 - 11:43 a.m.
Week Number 4 in Santa Cruz
So, I am supposed to be keeping a "public" blog about my travels, but I haven't written in a few weeks. I'm not sure why I haven't, but I think it has something to do with me be afraid that some "real" feelings will come out, and that blog is supposed to be happy. Not that I am not happy with our trip, although I am ready to move on from this location, or settle down somewhere. I do not like being in a place for so long with no permanence and no idea when we are leaving. We are staying at a friends place, and it's a really nice place, and she's really great, and she loves having us here, but it is not our place, it is not our stuff, and I want to help out, but I have wound up breaking the washer, the coffee maker, and maybe I didn't break them by my actions, but the fact that I was the one using them when they broke, and then she had me call a repair guy out for the washer, and the damn thing fixed itself, so she paid $129 for nothing, and I feel really bad about that. The guy swore it would mess up again and they would fix it for free in the next 90 days, but will it break in that time? I don't know. Then today I broke her coffee machine, well, I do not know what I did to cause it to break. I was just putting it back together, and it wouldn't turn on. I don't know why. She wound up taking it somewhere to get fixed, so there is going to be more money wasted. Then she wanted to let me borrow the car so I could take the girls out because we've basically been stuck in the house forever, and Leo is working an hour away today, but of course, Leo said no, so here we are, stuck in the house again, and it isn't that I even want to go anywhere, because if I did, I'd probably want to spend money, and of course that's a no no. I just don't know. I am frustrated and I do not know how to not be. I just want to sleep most of the time, and veg out, but even that gets boring, and I want to get out and do something fun, but what? And how much fun can I really have with three little girls tagging along all the time? Not much. I miss my cyberrelationships. I do not have any sort of fantasy life any more, and that is making my reality blatantly boring. Even when I try to think about men in a fantastical way, it doesn't really work out, because I can only think of men who I used to talk to, and I know they aren't thinking about me anymore, and that makes me sad. I also am not in the mood to meet anyone new. So here I am, bored, frustrated, and pent up writing. I am glad to get this out here, because perhaps I can have a decent chance of writing something good in my public blog later.
�
�
