2008-08-21 - 9:04 a.m.
What's today?
Okay, so here I am again, writing nonsense, as usual. I am feeling okay today though.
I have been thinking a lot about the people I've been reconnecting with on face book, so much so that I had a dream last night there was some movie called High School Never Ends. I think it was an installment of High School Musical. You know they are coming out with a third one of those, right?
Anyway, so here it goes, I get people in my life, and we email a couple times, and then they go on their merry way, and here I am, just hanging out, being bored and all that. I wonder if it is because they are so busy, because I am so boring, or maybe they just don't have much to say? I guess people just don't want to have friends online anymore. Most of the people that I am reconnecting with don't live in my town anymore, they've moved to other parts of the state, so it isn't like we can get together for dinner or anything. I shouldn't worry too much about it. I'm getting bored of face book already.
Okay, so I've been thinking about this one guy, the one that I've emailed with the most since I even got on face book, and I decided that I need to call him something. I was thinking about it last night, and I think I came up with a name, but now I can't remember it. All the names I was thinking of are either real people I know or used to know, or too close to names I'm already using. I know I had a name, but I can't think of it. (I'm pausing now for a few minutes to try to recall the name).
I'm going to use George. I think that will work. That is a name that just popped into my head, and it will be fine.
So, George and I have been emailing, and because I'm me, I can't stop remembering how I had a crush on him in HS, and how I was so nervous to talk to him. He was always nice to me, and he's being nice to me now by emailing me, but I feel like it's sort of like he feels sorry for me. I see the pics of the woman that write on his "wall" and they are much hotter than me, and probably much more single too. I don't know. I write on face book that I'm happily married, and I don't really see a need to let those people know that I'm not. In fact, I try to pretend that I am all the time, especially to Leo because that's how he likes it, and I'm still a little sad about how things went with Jonah, because here I am, extremely lonely, and no one on my side, at least, that's how I feel. Leo will say he's on my side, but he isn't. He's on his own side, and the only time he's on my side is if I am in complete agreement and adoration of him. I've been trying harder to boost his ego lately. I don't know why, because he's got an ego bigger than Texas, but sometimes people with egos that big really have low self-esteem, and sometimes some things he says or does makes me think that perhaps he does have lower self esteem than he thinks he does. I don't know. He's probably in denial about his real feelings about everything anyway. Maybe most people are. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time with people because everyone is walking around trying to act like life is peachy-keen, and here I am saying, but he's naked! (that's a reference to the emperor's new clothes, btw)... so maybe people don't want to hear that. Maybe people just want to live happily and ignore everything. It's funny because Leo accuses me of that. He's so concerned with everything happening in the country, but I keep trying to tell him the only thing that really matters is your family, and he says he agrees, but he doesn't behave that way. Today he sort of blew my mind because he actually went into the girls' room and told them good bye before he left for work. I wonder if it had anything to do with me telling him how they were talking about him yesterday, and missing him. He's been working really late this whole week, and I've been missing him too. He gets home after the kids go to bed, and when he gets up in the morning, he really just gets ready and goes to work, and if the girls are awake, he may or may not say bye, so they really get very little direct contact with him. He was kind enough to put the baby to sleep last night though, and I appreciated that. It's funny because when he was doing that last week, I gushed about how much I appreciated it, and how thankful I was, and how much it helped me out, and last night I didn't really say anything, and this morning, he said, are you glad I put the baby to sleep last night? And I said, yes, thank you very much.
It isn't like I've had a whole lot of time to talk to him either. He's either at work, on the phone working, or on the computer working. He's a fucking workaholic, and I wonder if he does it just to avoid being with all of us.
