2008-08-20 - 2:40 p.m.
me again
hmm, so I'm back. I know I just wrote like a minute ago, but I feel like I need to write some more. I'm.... I don't know what. I feel really anxious, or antsy, or something like that. I don't know why. I guess because I've been thinking about the things I hate about myself too much. I don't really have anyone telling me good stuff lately. That conversation with Jonah really knocked me down yesterday, and Leo has been nothing but an asshole to me for days now. I'm so lonely, and I hate it. I hate that I'm lonely. I hate that I need people, because then when I meet people, I just get my hopes up and my heart broken. I know that it's weird. I don't know why I want so much from people, and then I really don't, because if someone does email me, then I'm freaking out because I don't know if I should email back, what should I say? How can I sound casual, and not like a freak? And then, I email back, and then nothing, and then I'm like, well, I guess I didn't do a good job not sounding like a freak or whatever. Then I try to remind myself that people are busy, and some of these people I haven't talked to in almost 20 years, and not to mention, I wasn't really that good of friends with them way back then. Anyone that I was friends with, I basically still am, even if it is just sporadic. I don't know. I feel like I should just forget it. I don't necessarily want to die right now, but I feel like I need to crawl into a hole for a while and then maybe when I come out, I'll feel better. I sort of want us to move to the country like Leo keeps saying, and then I won't really have to deal with people at all.
You know, it isn't like I don't like people, but I am freaked out by them, I guess. I never know what to say, and I feel like I come across way too needy, and it's true, I am extremely needy, but I try not to sound that way, which I think doesn't work, I think I do, and it turns people off. I guess I feel like I'm transparent and whatever I say or email, people know that I'm just a loser, and needy, lonely loser, trying to act like a normal person, and then I just want to stop all contact with everyone. Of course, that is definitely not going to happen. I can't even get my husband to watch the kids for an hour, let alone give me any quality time alone to work things out. I have to just put the kids in the playroom for spurts of time to try to breathe and stop freaking out all the time. I feel like I need stronger medicine.
