2008-08-13 - 7:03 a.m.
Wednesday morning
Okay, so here I am again, only today I don't really know what to write about. I've been thinking about my predicament, you know, the borderline thing, the worrying all the time that people are talking about me behind my back, and not in a nice way....
So, half the time I feel like a real crazy person, like I just want to sit in a ball and chew on my fingers while the world goes by, but I have never actually succumbed to that feeling. I usually just go one, pretending that everything is fine, which is probably why Leo was so freaked out when I slashed my wrists the other week. He believes my "everything is fine" routine. I have been feeling pretty good lately, for the most part, but I still have that crazy feeling in me. I can feel it in there, creeping up to the front of my mind, and I just have to push it back, and move on with my days. I got some sleep last night, although not as much as I would have liked. Leo was kind enough to take care of the baby for me last night so I could go to sleep. I have no idea what time she went to sleep, but she got up pretty early this morning. I don't know offhand what time it was, but I had her in bed with me for a while before I finally decided she wasn't going to sleep, and the sun was coming up anyway, so I just got up, well, it was like an hour or so ago.
Anyway, I told you I didn't know what to write about, so I'm basically just rambling. So, I thought about unlocking my diary and just putting this out there, but then I thought it would sort of be like me standing on a stage in front of thousands of people with no clothes on, and I don't think I'm ready for that. I just can't write like I should when I know someone could be reading this, and even though I am planning to unlock it eventually, and I know all these past writings will be read, I don't mind so much because that's over. I don't know. It's hard to explain. I am just not used to being so open, except with Jonah. He's the only one I can really be open and honest with. I miss him. I miss that. I'm starting to be more open with my email friend, but who knows where that's going to go. I sort of feel like it doesn't really matter, and it isn't like my heart is going to break when he decides we can't email any more. Which I know will happen because I don't recall ending any email relationships, well, there were a couple of guys, okay, maybe three that I can think of right now that I just didn't feel any sort of connection with, and chose to stop emailing eventually, but I'm so lame, I still respond when they email me occasionally. I think I finally stopped emailing with my exfiance. His last couple of emails were weird, like they weren't really from him or something, so I chose to ignore them. Who knows where that is going to go.
So, my pinky toe on my left foot is hurting right now. I wonder if it is because of the weather. That toe has been broken so many times, and it is huge now, and probably will always be that way, and today I can really feel it. It's weird. Usually the weather makes my finger that I broke hurt, but today it's my toe. Maybe it isn't the weather at all, maybe it is something entirely different.
Well, if I feel like it, I'll write more later. :)
