2008-08-12 - 6:18 p.m.
Tuesday evening
I know I don't usually update in the evenings, but I think I need to write right now. I'm starting to feel sort of weird, maybe loopy, maybe horny, maybe lonely, maybe all of the above, but I think I realized something about myself, and I also think this is a bad time for me to be emailing anyone. I have been emailing my email friend today, and it's fine, I like it, and everything stays good and safe, and then I don't feel safe, I feel dangerous, I feel flirty, and then I start to think about some other people I've emailed with, cybered with, phone-sexed with, and I realize that I wasn't special, well, to one in particular, the phone guy, I wasn't special, and then I started to think some more, and I realized, he wasn't special either. At that time, I was actually creating many phone relationships. I was at a bad place in my marriage, in a bad place financially, and I played the damsel in distress card very well, and it was bought, men wanted me. Something else I was thinking about today. I told you I have been emailing my email friend today, and one of the convos was about my past relationships, and I sort of summed it up for him. I've dated over 100 men, in just about 9 years. I did the math, and basically that's an average of one a month, although some of them I was steady with for at least a little while, and many times, I was dating more than one guy at a time, and you know what else? I didn't tell him this, and I don't really know the stats, but I've had many email buddies, and as I was just mentioning previously, phone buddies, even since I've been married. I think that the reason I felt okay about myself when I was single was that I always had many men telling me how hot I was and how much they adored me, but for some reason, I never believed them, and I always wanted more, and then for some really stupid reason, like I figured it was now or never, I guess, I got married, and I didn't even really truly believe that my husband loved me, but I knew his best friend did, and I know he still does, and he's the only one I've ever really trusted and probably the only one I've ever really loved, only I didn't marry him, I married Leo, someone who has been at times horrible to me, and at times okay to me. Jonah has always been wonderful to me, and I wonder if maybe it had to be this way, maybe I had to have that fantasy life just to get through my real one. I don't know what things would have been like had I married Jonah instead, but I know how things are now, and I know that I still trust him, and ever since he got back into my life, I have not had another cyber relationship. I have off and on continued one that I had previously, but no one new. My new email friend is the first new friend I've had in a long time, and it is a very safe relationship. I like it. I like him, I like emailing with him and learning about him and what's going on with his life, but I think I want another email friend. I miss Jonah. We can't talk or email much at all, in fact, no email at all in a long time, and only talking once in a while when I call him, and I don't know, it's not a good situation. I'm still lonely, and I still don't have anyone pursuing me, and I don't know what to do about it. I started making some profiles on some blogging sites or whatever, some more public than this one, and I think maybe I'll just put real pictures of myself up there, and be like, this is me, take me or leave me. I don't know. I am so insecure about how I look, and it isn't because of my body. I have always been this way, even when I was hot, and I never knew it, and I hate that, and I wish I had known it, and I wish I still felt hot or sexy, or felt like I could even pick up a guy, or perhaps have a guy pick me up. When I told Leo that I never got picked up in a bar, he didn't believe me, but it's true. I've been picked up lots of places, but never in a club. I don't know why. Maybe because my insecurity shown through.
I don't know. I have really been thinking about my life, my situation, and what am I going to do about it, and then I remember how I used to be when I was in control of my own life, and I miss that. I miss it a lot. I know it's probably a good thing that Leo has me locked down, because I already get in lots of trouble online, I'd probably be horrible in person, but I'm not sure it's really my fault. I truly believe that I have borderline personality disorder, and I think it would be really good if I could get some professional help to deal with it.
