2008-08-06 - 11:00 a.m.
emotional update
So, I know you're dying to find out how I'm doing, so I'm going to make your day.
I'm doing okay.
Anyway, yesterday there was supposed to be this huge storm, but there wasn't. There was a lot of rain, but it wasn't even that heavy, and there was supposed to be so much wind they called it "squalls" on weather.c0m. Anyway, so there wasn't. They eventually changed their forecast to wind/rain, and took off the squalls.
So, I was even more bored than usual yesterday. I didn't really want to start any laundry because I was worried about the power going out (it didn't), so I mostly just laid around and watched tv. I fell asleep for an hour or so on the couch while the kids played in the playroom yesterday afternoon. I was really tired. I haven't been sleep well thanks to the baby, who apparently hardly needs any sleep at all. She slept in late this morning though, until almost 9. I was happy. She's usually up before the sun, which means so am I.
So, things are okay between Leo and me, I guess. I don't know, it's like he can't be nice to me for more than a couple of days. He was being nice to me, and I don't mean extra nice either, I just mean the normal amount of nice, where he would call me once or twice in the day while he was at work, and he came home and gave me a hug before he buried himself in his work for the rest of the night. Then last night he had the gall to ask me if I cut up my arms so I could create more work for him.
He just doesn't get it.
He was referring to me asking him to give the kids baths because I couldn't do it in long sleeves, but he said do it in long sleeves anyway. I worked it out, but I can't believe he asked me that.
He just doesn't get it. I don't know what he thinks, that I cut up myself for attention? I really and truly wanted to die. I've been contemplating taking an OD of my blood pressure medicine. I think that's the way to go, easier, and less mess.
I tried to explain to him that every single day I fight the urge to kill myself, and he doesn't think that warrants professional help? He's just like, we'll get it... later. He doesn't understand that I might not have as much time later as he does.
I don't feel like anything was accomplished by me cutting up my arms. I wanted to die then, and I still do. I do every day, but I thought I had a reason to live even if I wasn't happy, I thought I was doing everything to make him happy, and then he says I'm not, and he's not, and I just snapped. Then what is the point? And I'm still not happy, and I don't know what to do about it. I mean, I hate being this way. I know I'm supposed to want to live and watch my children grow up and all that, but I don't know, I just don't. My life is so bland, and I am going insane on a daily basis just living this horrible boring lonely life, and I opened my heart up to my husband this weekend, and maybe it mattered for a minute, but not anymore, he's all back to normal, and so am I, which is really not a good thing, for me anyway.
