2008-08-04 - 11:26 a.m.
weekend
So, I don't really know where to start. Maybe I should start at the end, and then try to figure out how I got there.
I tried to kill myself yesterday. My most serious attempt to date. I sliced up my arms pretty bad. Both of them.
I guess I've been telling you how bad I've been feeling lately, and Leo's been sleeping a lot, he didn't even wake up until after 2pm yesterday, and then he's all pissy, and when I ask him what's bothering him, apparently, it's me. And he doesn't like my attitude when my brother's here, and I won't quit smoking, and he says I'm just going to pass up the opportunity for homeschooling, although I don't even know where that came from, and so I jump to divorce. I'm like, what's the point? I do everything to make sure you are happy, because one of us should be, and now I find out you aren't? Then why? And he doesn't let up, he keeps coming at me, and threatens to hit me. He's so mad, and I don't even care. I decide that I really don't care, about anything, at all, I'm done, and I get the razorblade I have saved for such an occasion, and I go to town, and I'm bleeding a lot, but he tells me it isn't enough to kill myself, and he cleans me all up, although I tell him not to. I say, I don't care, just let me die, and that's when he says it isn't enough blood to die, and so, apparently a tiny little razor blade doesn't do as much damage as I had hoped. My arms look horrible today. He's like, how are you going to hide this from the children? I don't know, I don't care. I just want to be dead.
So, we sleep, because apparently, that's his solution to everything. He says we'll work this out, but we just sleep. He was only up a couple of hours. No one takes care of the children. The baby falls asleep in the playroom, and he won't move her into her bed, so I do, and we sleep. No one feeds the children. Eventually, the baby wakes up, around 8pm, and I get up, and I feed everyone, and we still don't talk. Leo had left his phone in Jonah's truck, so he leaves to go get it. He doesn't get home until almost midnight. I'm very tired, and I may be asleep when he gets home, I can't remember. Actually, I do remember that the baby is in bed with me, still awake, and I ask him to put her to bed, and he does. I don't remember much after that. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep forever.
I get up this morning, later than usual, around 7:45, and make coffee, and he eventually gets up and gets ready for work, and leaves. Still no talking. He calls shortly after he left and says he needs to come back home to help someone and did I want mcdonald's for breakfast, so I say sure.
After he gets his work finished, and he's about to leave again, I say, can we talk about this? And he says sure, what do you have? I said, what do you want? Do you want us to stay together? And he says yes, but he wants me to be nicer to him. Me! Be nicer to him! I say, I am so nice to you, all the time, and I get shit on, and I can't just keep being nice. You have no idea how bad I feel, and how hard everything is for me, and you think I went to the extreme yesterday, but the truth is, I fight the urge to die every day. It's like an alcoholic, I have to live through one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time, and it's hard, very very hard, and he can't understand, and he wants me to be okay, and I can't be. I want to be okay too, and it's so hard, and he just doesn't understand, and I told him it was so hard for me to open up to him like this, and I was crying, and he seemed to be trying to understand. He has so much bullshit about how I am not nice or whatever. I'm not perfect, and I know that, and it kills me, almost literally, and I need him to love me anyway. I so feel like his love is conditional, as long as I behave the way I should, according to him, then everything will be fine, and I can do that, but only for so long while he's ignoring me and making me feel insignificant, and then it's too much, and I explode, as I did yesterday. I have nothing, I have no one, and I cannot do this alone.
I used to have Jonah I could talk to, but I can't anymore, and I need to let him go, and I need to let everyone go, and I just want to be normal, but I'm not, and I'm not going to be, and people are just going to have to accept me for me, and I think it's true what they say that if you can't love yourself, no one can love you.
I don't know. I always feel like I'm putting on an act, like I am just playing the part of a wife, mother, friend, I never get to be the real me. I don't even know what the real me is like anymore. She's so far buried in all the fake mes that she may never come out again, and that makes everything even more difficult for me.
So, I didn't die, so I'm still here, and he won't get me the professional help I so desperately need, and so I'm some how going to have to just get through these days. It's 100 degrees outside, and I'm going to be wearing long sleeves for who knows how long until these cuts aren't so noticeable.
