2008-08-02 - 10:13 p.m.
pissed
So, Leo and Jonah just left. I'm so mad at Leo right now, and he doesn't even get it. He's like, are you okay? No. No. NO!
But I can't tell him that. I can't tell him that I am lonely and sad and feeling rejected by him, because you know what, he'll just get mad at me, that's right, mad. He'll say I'm being silly, or he loves me, or suck it up, or whatever he says when I get feeling this way. Earlier he was mad at me because I was putting my finger through a little hole in the bottom of his sock and tickling his foot, and he said something like I'm just trying to piss him off, and I said, any attention is better than no attention, and he's like, no it won't be, not if you keep this up, and I said, from my point of view, it will be.
I am so fucking lonely, and he doesn't even care, doesn't even see it. He went to bed immediately after dinner last night, got up around 2 this morning, and left the house around 7, before I was awake, before any of the children were awake, and even though I got up shortly after that, I didn't get to see him until this afternoon, when he got back from his outing, and I told him at that time we were out of milk, we needed milk, who's going to go to the store to get milk? And of course, he doesn't say anything. He ignores me. It isn't like I can just say, okay, I'm going to get milk either, because that would mean he'd be responsible for the kids while I was gone, and I don't want to load up all three kids for a 5 minute drive round trip, and 5 minutes in the store to get milk. It would make a 10 minute trip to the store take thirty minutes. So anyway, no one goes to the store, and finally I get a chance to tell him my brother's coming to visit, and he doesn't like my brother, and he doesn't like me when I'm with my brother, he says I have a bad attitude when my brother's around, whatever. He doesn't even hang out with us, he stays in the room the whole time, and he leaves to go to the store, but not before he gets mad at me for not telling him yesterday we needed milk. I was like, when should I have told you? I saw you for five minutes.
Anyway, so now his friend's over, well, they just left to go to the bookstore. They took a laptop, so I guess they're going to be hanging out there for a while. Who knows. I asked him earlier today what time he was going to bed tonight, and he said at 10, and now it's coming up on 10:30 and he's not even here. He always has the energy to hang out with Jonah, or talk to Jonah on the phone, but when it comes to me, nope. Nothing.
Why am I even in this stupid marriage?
