2008-07-23 - 10:17 a.m.
Wednesday morning (2nd attempt)
Yes, yes, I know I wrote a few minutes ago, but I feel like there is more I need to say. What it is exactly, I cannot tell you, but hopefully, it will work its way out while I write.
So, after I got offline, right after I wrote the part about not calling Jonah anymore, well, I called him. I don't know why I have been missing him so much. I should just let him go, I know. I really do know this, but I can't. He has always been such a close friend of mine, and I trust him more than I have ever trusted anyone in my life. I can tell him anything, I know I can. I just wish that things were different. Then I think about it, and I think about me and Leo and how far we've come over these last nine years, and I don't know if anyone else would have put up with me this long. I know I'm not easy to deal with, yes, it's better now because I'm on the meds, but I'm still not that great. At least, that's pretty much what Leo leads me to believe, and perhaps much of that is in my head, it's hard to say. I only know what things seem like to me. I try to explain to Leo as often as I can without getting on the defensive how what he says or does makes me feel, and that seems to work, sometimes, but I am really starting to think that it wouldn't matter what he did, that I am just not going to be happy. I don't know for sure, because truthfully, he doesn't really try too hard to make me happy. In fact, I think he gave up a long time ago, before the meds, before I started smoking, he gave up on trying to make me happy. He will on occasion, do something nice for me, like rub my back or run me a bath, but for the most part, it's because I ask him to. I ask him for help with the children, and he pretty much refuses, unless I am just at my breaking point, in tears, and all that. I don't like being at that place. I wish that he could help me out with the children on a more regular basis, and it was something I could count on and look forward to. I tried explaining that to him this last time I was at my breaking point, and he didn't really seem to get it. He's like, you want me to go to work all day and come home and work some more. The thing is, I don't want him to do it every night, and why is playing with his kids work? It isn't like I'm asking him to clean the house or anything. He seems to believe he needs rest and relaxation, but I do not. He says, I don't buy it that you work all day long. Oh, so because I take a bathroom break or a smoke break, then I'm not working all day long? I don't even get where he comes up with that. I don't say anything, because I could say the same to him. Do you sit in front of that computer and type code the entire day? No? You check email? You go pee? You have a smoke? Well, I guess you aren't working all day long then. How stupid.
The truth of the matter is, I am responsible for the children all day, every day. Every meal, every thing they do, everything... I am responsible for it, and on top of all that, I am homeschooling, although we've been taking a break from that this summer, and on top of all that, Leo wants me to work at home (because what I do isn't work, even though it is when he does it), so that I can make extra money. I say to him, that makes me think you think what I do is worth nothing, worthless. He's always talking about how all the money is his money, since I don't make any money, since I don't work. So, this morning, he asked me if his check hit, and I said, yes, I balanced your checkbook yesterday, and he said, say that again, and I said, I balanced your checkbook, and he's like, my checkbook, and I said, it's your money, right? You are always saying that, I finally got it. He didn't even get mad, he started joking about having prostitutes over. I don't know. Sometimes I really don't get him at all. He's supposed to be this really strong Christian, but he is so mean to me. I mean, he's either being mean to me, or nothing at all. He is never nice to me. He never goes out of his way to be nice to me. This morning, the coffee pot is still broken, he didn't buy one yesterday, and so I get up really early, go to BK, get breakfast and coffee again. This time I got an extra coffee because I didn't think I had enough coffee yesterday. So anyway, he's still asleep when I get back, and I am trying to wake him up to give him his breakfast and he's excited that I already went. You know, yesterday, when I asked him to bring home a coffee pot, he's like, worst case, we can get BK again, that was nice. I bet it was nice, and by "we" he means me. He means, I can get out of bed way before him and go to the drive through and get his breakfast and bring it to him in bed, and yes, that is nice, isn't it? I would like someone to bring me fucking coffee in bed, forget the whole meal, just coffee, that would be really, really nice, but no, it won't happen, it will never happen, except, perhaps, if he's in a good mood, it will happen on Mother's Day, but more than likely, it won't.
So, he's says my life isn't so bad, but he doesn't realize the part of my life that bothers me the most is the way he treats me. If he were to just once a week be extra nice to me, I think it would be much easier for me to get through the long boring days I have, and get my endless amounts of laundry and cleaning actually done, instead of just partly done, and just quit. I feel like what's the point? The house doesn't stay clean for more than a minute. That's why he doesn't think I really work all day, because it doesn't matter how much I work, everything looks like crap again in a matter of seconds.
So, anyway, this morning, he's all happy that I brought him breakfast again, and he asks for a blow job. He has no qualms about asking for a blow job any time, no matter what, and he doesn't even understand why I don't want to give him one. You know, I don't mind treating him like a king, I really don't, but what I would like is to be treated just as well. I wish we tried to out do each other on treating the other one better. Instead, he just does whatever he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it, to further himself and his own selfish needs. I guess I should be happy he's not hooking up with prostitutes or coming home drunk and all that, but you know, there is help for those sort of things. Where is the support group for my husband thinks he's a king and we are all his royal subjects? Where do they meet?
