2008-07-18 - 5:51 a.m.
Friday morning
So, I had a lot of fun yesterday at the mall, and to my surprise, my neighbor wanted to come over and have dinner with us, and I suggested her son play in our little splash pool with my girls after dinner, and she did.
It turned out that her husband was going out to dinner with his boss or something, so she was alone, and since Leo was going to that movie thing, I was too. It was really nice.
I didn't get into too much detail about this, but I do have concerns about my youngest daughter. She is two and a half, and really doesn't talk at all. She says a few words here and there now, but it's mostly just repeating what she hears, not really communicating. Anyway, a while ago I took an online assessment of her development, and it came out that she may have something called PDD, and my friend's sister that came with us yesterday happens to work with children with austism and pdd, and she had one of the children she works with with her yesterday, a 10 year old girl. My girls loved her, they had a lot of fun together. It was kind of funny because they kept saying what a handful she was and how exhausting she was to everyone around her, but I didn't really notice. I'm like, that's how the baby is, exhausting. I hope that girl can come over sometime and play with my girls again, because it will probably be good for all of us. Anyway, so my friend's sister, and I'm going to refer to her as M because I don't want to write my friend's sister over and over again. Anyway, so M said she noticed some tendencies of my baby toward autism, or pdd. She told me this only after I mentioned that I have some concerns. She said she had noticed. I really like this person, she is very nice, and so I feel comfortable talking to her. I asked her to come over sometime and hang out with us, and watch the baby in her natural environment. She said she'd be happy to. Also, she's pregnant with her first baby, and I'm not having any more babies, so I told her she could look through anything I had and see what she needs. I may have maternity clothes, baby toys, etc, that I no longer need or want. Of course, she won't need the toys right away, but I hope it works out for us to be friends. Leo refuses to believe that we need any special help or even a diagnosis for the baby, and having someone who is familiar with working with these type of children might be a relatively painless way for me to get the advice I need. Leo is always saying the baby's fine, there's nothing wrong with the baby. I don't mean to say there is anything wrong with her, but it is evident to anyone that spends any time with her that she is special. She is unique. I don't think that means there is anything "wrong" or that we need to "fix" her. I just think we need to have the best information for how to interact with her, and teach her, especially if he wants me to continue to homeschool. Of course, there are resources available for children with special needs, and I would probably feel more comfortable having her in a special needs class than in mainstream. Of course, I'm not sure how the district would feel about me putting the only one of my children in the school that actually costs them money, and keeping out the two they could make money from.
I know that have programs for special needs students as early as three years old, and the baby will be three this december.
I'm sort of excited about learning more about the best way to talk to her and teach her, and also a little nervous to think that she isn't perfect, you know? I mean, it's hard to explain, but I think every parent wants their children to be happy and healthy and have a wonderfully easy and enjoyable life, of course, I know that's really just a pipe dream, and truthfully, of all my children, the baby is the happiest, so I'm probably just worrying about nothing.
Subject change.
So, Leo has been wanting a blow job for a while now, but I have refused. I have many reasons for my refusal, one, the meds make me less interested in sex, two, I'm stressed about my situation, three, and this is a big one, I'm really upset about his lack of interest in me lately. I mean, he has no problem asking for a blow job, and then looking so shocked when I say no, but refusing to pay any attention to me physically, not rub my shoulders, which are killing me lately because of all my stress. It's very difficult for me to relax at all, and he doesn't even try to help, he just gets pissy that I won't give him a blow job, and that's that. He isn't even asking for sex, and even if he was, he doesn't make it all that exciting for me, which was fine before, because I was pretty much horny all the time, and it didn't matter, but now, with the meds, I'm just not. He's going to have to work to get me in the mood to do any of those things, and he refuses to, and he can't even imagine that he needs to, so he just gets pissy and feels rejected. Of course, I have been slipping him clues about how he could rub my back or shoulders or show me some sort of affection, and I'd be happy to reciprocate, but truthfully, at this point, I feel like I have nothing left to give.
I am in too many relationships where I'm the only one who gives. At some point, I am really not going to have anything left at all.
The good news is though, I haven't been feeling suicidal at all lately. I have basically been in a pretty good mood about myself, although I have been sort of tired and cranky at times, I have not had the desire to die, and that's something to be happy about, right? :)
