2008-07-16 - 10:31 a.m.
Still Wednesday, still morning
I know it's unusual these days for me to write more than once so close together, but I am, so deal with it, right? Or don't. What do I care, how would I even know anyway.
So, I called Jonah this morning. I didn't plan on it. I was going to call my neighbor across the street. I saw that Leo had been talking to Jonah on my phone last night, and his was the first name on my recently called list. I was going to say that it was an accident, I had meant to call this other person, but maybe we'd be able to talk anyway, but he didn't answer, so I deleted the fact that I had even called at all, and I tried to call my friend across the street, but she didn't answer either.
You know, I'm getting much better at not feeling so rejected. Well, I guess I wouldn't go that far. Let's just say, that I am getting a little bit better, and that today I'm doing pretty good. It helps that my friend called me yesterday, and the girls and I went over and hung out at her house for a little while. I also got a call yesterday from another friend of mine that I hadn't talked to in months it seems. That was nice too. So, I am feeling less rejected, and more able to convince myself that these people really are busy and unable to answer the phone right now. Of course, after several days of no answer, I won't be feeling quite so confident, but that shouldn't happen because I'm really not going to call Jonah anymore, and I have plans tomorrow with my friend across the street, so I doubt we'll even go all day today without talking. Also, yesterday she said we could just come over anytime, but I don't like to do that. I have me and three kids, it feels like such an imposition to just show up. Plus, she's pregnant, so she takes naps, and her son takes naps, so I'd probably be disturbing them anyway.
It's so hard for me because I really want this friendship to work. I mean, she's right across the street. I don't need a car to hang out with her. I am just so bad at friendships. I don't know why. I think I've made myself really bad because I think about it too much, and I want to say all the right things, and not upset or offend anyone. It's funny because I really feel that she and I are a lot alike, and she will say something, and I'm like, I do that too, or I think that too, and it happens a lot, and I start thinking, she's going to think I'm just agreeing with her to get her to like me, but I'm not. I don't do that. The only thing I would do to get someone to like me is to leave out information about myself that I fear they won't accept. I never add anything. I've told her a lot about myself, that's one of the drawbacks to my meds, and I've told her that too, I'm like I used to never like to talk about myself, but these meds make me never shut up. So, I may or may not have freaked her out in the past, she's still hanging around me, so that's good. It isn't like I can say anything about it either. So, what is it about me that freaks you out? I want to know so when I meet someone else I can not do that thing anymore, but I can't ask that, and so I just have to wing it.
I think the meds help me focus more on things, but I sort of miss how I used to be. I mean, I like being able to have friends, sort of, but it's hard to explain because I don't even feel like I'm really being me. I feel like I'm playing a part, reciting lines that have been written for me. I do this with Leo as well. There's only very few times that I let my real thoughts or feelings come out, and if when I do, they are met with strange looks or a strained laugh, I gently tuck it back away and go back to my "part."
I've been married to Leo for over nine years now, and I feel like he doesn't even know me at all. He brings up things from the past very often, things that happened the first year of our marriage, and it's like he can't forgive or forget any of those things. It's like I wasn't perfect, and I will never be the person he wants me to be, and even if I try to be that person, he won't let me because he can't let go of the things I've done in the past.
I think I'm doing a pretty good job lately of being the wife he wants me to be, but I don't really enjoy it.
Okay, that's probably enough whining for now.
