2008-07-09 - 10:01 a.m.
Wednesday morning
So, not feeling that great about myself today. Think I left my heart on my sleeve a little too long in a couple of conversations.
I don't know. It's hard to be me. You know why? Because I don't really know who I am. How can I not know who I am at 34, you ask? Because I have spent my whole life trying to be who others want me to be, first my mom, then my husband, and really I'm trying to be the perfect daughter to my mom, and my real dad, the perfect wife to my husband, the perfect mother to my children, and in case you didn't know... that is really difficult. I think I do an okay job being a good wife to my husband. He's not too hard to please because I know him really well, and I know he basically wants me to do everything for him. Actually, he's gotten really good about getting his own clothes out of the closet to get dressed. I just have to make sure everything is washed, dried and put away so he can get it.
The kids, they're not so bad either. They just want me to love them, and since I do, that's pretty easy, but I feel like that's only part of me. I know that part of me very well, but I worry about the other part of me, the part that I am going to need to be as my kids grow older and need me less and less, and eventually will be out on their own. This is the first time I've really thought about this because I have always thought I wouldn't be around for that. I am doing much better though, at taking it one day at a time, and not getting to overwhelmed by thinking about everything all at once.
Today is my middle daughter's birthday. She's five. I am having my neighbor and her son over in about an hour. I have been cleaning up all morning. I could have started cleaning up days ago to make everything absolutely perfect, but I didn't. My neighbor comes over all the time and she knows my house well. I do want to clean the kitchen though. I'm really hot and sweaty from all the other work I've been doing. The house is not perfect, but it is an improvement, and that's all that matters, right? I'm trying to get over my perfectionism because it turns out to be very debilitating. I want things to be absolutely perfect, but I know I can't do that, so I do nothing. This way, I cleaned up some stuff, so it's better than it was. Really all I did was move some stuff from the living room into a different room, but the living room looks really nice now.
Anyway, so Jonah called Leo this morning and Leo was in the shower so I answered, and I don't know, I feel like he wasn't that happy to hear me answer the phone. I don't know. It's probably all in my head.
I wish it didn't matter to me so much.
I wish that I didn't need to be someone's number one, because I'm no one's number one, and therefore it is rather upsetting to me when it shouldn't be. I know that people are busy. People have lives, and it's probably not healthy to live entirely for another person, which I should know since I'm trying to live entirely for several other people and it's difficult and disappointing all the time. I wish I could live for me, but I know I can't, not now. Leo wouldn't like that at all. He wants me to agree with him at all times, and only offer my opinion on something if he asks for it, and even then, it better be the same as his, or else he's going to get angry. I don't mean violent, but just degrading, like, how could you be so stupid to think that? Not that he would use those words, but you know what I mean, I think.
So, I'm just trying to cool off a little before I tackle the kitchen. I told my friend to be over around 11am, which is approximately forty-five minutes from now. The dishwasher will probably still be running when she gets here.
Oh well.
