2008-07-06 - 8:39 a.m.
Sunday morning
Today I'm going to write about something that I am not really comfortable thinking about, let alone writing for all the world to see. I know if you are familiar with some of the things I write, you are probably wondering what in the world this could be, but it is not what you think.
I feel really good about myself.
I love my new haircut.
I feel really sexy, and desirable, and happy.
Why am I nervous to write those things? Several reasons, I guess, the number one reason is that every time I'm happy, I worry when it will end. Although, I shouldn't say every time, because this time I'm not. This time, my happiness is a direct result of my own action, so I'm not going to let myself down, right? So, the main reason is that I don't want to sound conceited. Silly, right? I am writing anonymously to no one, and I still worry that I am going to sound like I'm better than all of you because I'm happy with how I look right now? Crazy, huh?
I don't know. I really really like my hair cut. I don't know if I told you that I colored it the other day, and it is a little bit lighter than it used to be, and I like that too. I am generally happy with my appearance right now, and it astounds me. I know that it probably has to do with the upgrade of prozac too, but that's okay. I am happy that I'm happy. That probably sounds really weird, but I have a feeling that many of you on dland understand what I'm going through.
It's kind of like when I had my hernia a couple years ago. I had minor stomach pain all the time, but I dismissed it because it was so minor. A couple of times I had huge pains that I thought I needed to go to the hospital for, but then it would end. Then came the time when it got incarcerated, and I was in so much pain, I thought I was going to die, and when I finally did go to the doctor, I was in surgery within two hours, and when it was all over, I couldn't believe how good I felt! No more stomach pain, minor or otherwise. I was feeling so good, but it was probably just a normal feeling for most people, but because I had been feeling so bad, it was extra good for me.
This probably isn't making any sense at all, but I'm going to keep going.
So, now, even though it's likely that people all over the world feel just fine about themselves and how they look, to me, it is extra good because I've been feeling so bad lately. So I am sort of elated, like I feel like a supermodel, like no one can resist me, and then I know if I start walking around with that attitude, I will get into trouble, who knows what kind.
So I need a balance. I want to be happy and confident, but not over confident.
I am so surprised too at how much I love my haircut and how I look now. I haven't lost any weight or anything, but I am ready too. I am ready to do a total body makeover. If I feel this good about my hair, imagine how good I'll feel after losing 10, 20 even 30 pounds!
I told Leo, who knew it was this easy to lift my spirits so much! I should go back and give my hairdresser another $20. Of course, he said no.
I am half tempted to delete this entry. I am glad I wrote it, but I don't want people reading it to think I'm all into myself. I don't know why I feel bad about feeling good. I know that's really odd, isn't it?
I feel good about myself today, and I'm happy about feeling good. I have energy and initiative to get things done that need to be done.
I wonder if it has anything to do with me getting to see Jonah for so long. Maybe a small part. The truth is, Jonah and Leo pretty much left me and the kids alone since Thursday night, so I didn't have Leo ragging on me at all. And, then I told Leo how good I was feeling about myself, and he is happy, but a little unnerved, I think. And I said, don't worry, I'm not going to leave you for some young hottie, I'm not feeling that good about myself. And you know what he said? He said, you should.
Not that I should leave him, but that I should feel like I could have anyone I wanted.
I said, I'm not leaving you.
I think that the main reason I'm not so scared of this feeling, even though I have been nervous to write about, is what I said previously, this happiness has come from me, this feeling good about myself has come from me, and I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself or make myself feel worse. I like how I feel right now, and I hope I can keep it up for a long, long time. :)
