2008-07-05 - 9:01 a.m.
Saturday morning
So, Jonah has been staying with us since Thursday! It's been so wonderful having him here, although we aren't really getting to spend any time together, but in the very early morning yesterday, and this morning, he's sleeping right behind me on the couch. I have been over there a couple times, but I know he's tired, I'm not going to wake him up.
Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about why I love him. I believe it's because I know he loves me for me, no matter what. I don't feel like I have to be the prettiest, sexiest, or anything like that. I can tell him anything, talk to him about anything, and he never criticizes me.
Leo, on the other hand, is so mean and grumpy all the time to me. I don't know what to do about it. It doesn't even matter if I do what he says for me to do, if it isn't exactly what he was thinking in his head, he gets mad at me about it. For example, yesterday he and Jonah went to the store and the girls and I were at target, and then he said they were going to a movie and for me not to spend more than $100. I was very happy to be able to have a good deal of money to buy things for the girls, but I wanted to buy stuff for myself too. The girls were so funny, they were like, wow, a hundred dollars, we're rich! I kept telling them they could put things in the basket, and they were amazed. Of course, I did wind up putting some stuff back, but all in all, everyone was happy when we left, and then when Leo and Jonah got back, Leo started ragging on my choices. He's like, another ds game? I thought you were buying things for the house. For the house? He said I could spend $100, and he didn't say I needed to buy things for the house. He didn't give any indication on what the money should be spent on, and now he's annoyed because I spent it on fun stuff for me and the kids.
Another reason why I'm happy Jonah is here is because although Leo may be mad at me, he doesn't really tear into me too much when Jonah is here. He isn't nice to me, and he's actually pretty rude at times, but at least he doesn't really yell at me, but at the same time, I am nervous about when Jonah leaves because there is a chance that Leo is really pissed off about who knows what and is bottling it all up until Jonah leaves and then he's going to let me have it. I hope that is not the case, but it is very difficult to tell what is going to set him off.
Another thing I've been thinking about is divorce again, which I actually feel is a step forward. One thing I have not been thinking about is killing myself, and I'm really happy about that. I am starting to feel like I could handle myself alone raising my three girls in the manner of my choosing. Yes, it will call for some changes, but I really don't know how much longer I can live feeling as though I am in a prison and every move I make could have dire consequences. It is not a happy life. I can't even have a conversation with my husband about anything, he does nothing but yell and sound annoyed when speaking to me. It's like I am bothering his highness with trivial things such as mortgage payments and doctors appointments, when at the same time, he does whatever the fuck he wants whenever the fuck he wants.
I got my hair cut the other day. I went with my neighbor, and it was like pulling teeth to get Leo to let me go. We wound up being much later than expected because the salon was so busy, and you know what, I was happy that Leo had to take care of the kids for so much longer. He was pissed, but that's just too fucking bad. These are his kids too, and I deserve some time with grownups and time to relax too. I had a lot of fun with my friend, and I got my hair cut pretty short. I think it's super cute though, and it inspired me to buy some workout stuff at target the other day too. I really am starting to feel much better about myself. I hope it lasts. I wish Jonah could stay here always. Even though it makes Leo totally ignore me, I love having him here. I love our secret glances and smiles and it does make Leo happy in a way that I can't. Leo just thinks I'm stupid or something. It's hard to explain. He's definitely got a superiority complex when it comes to men and women.
