2008-06-30 - 2:54 p.m.
Monday afternoon
Okay, so I have finally had a chance to write again! I really don't even have time right now, but I'm taking it anyway, as long as I can, to write. Not really for any particular reason, just because I feel like I need to write.
I got a note the other day! I was so excited, and then I realized I can't even tell anyone I know that I got a note on my blog because I don't want people in my real life to know about my blog/diary. I could tell Jonah, but I am no longer calling him, as you will remember, although I have almost broken down and called him several times today. Maybe that's why I need to write, to keep myself from calling him. I have gotten so far as to take my phone out of my pocket and open it up and look at his name on the screen (if you will remember, Leo programmed him into my phone because he talks to him so long he wears down his battery) Anyway, so I didn't call him. I thought about it, I really really thought about it, but I chose not to because I know he's busy, and even if he wants to talk to me, he will only talk a second, and then I'll probably feel worse.
So, I didn't call him.
But I've been thinking about him. I've been thinking about a lot of men lately. Lots and lots. Not just Jonah and my usual bunch.
I don't recall if I wrote about this incident that happened a week or so ago, but it involved a very handsome AT&T guy talking to me in the Kroger parking lot, and I have been thinking about him too. Actually, I was at Kroger again this morning, and there was an AT&T truck there in the lot, but I looked, and it wasn't him. I was actually leaving the parking lot at the time he was pulling in, so I'm not sure if I would have done anything at all anyway. Actually, I totally know I would have done nothing. I mean what am I going to do? Hi, remember me? You accidentally spit on my car a couple weeks ago, how have you been? That's nice, okay, well I have to go home to my husband and three kids now.
Lame.
So it's probably better it wasn't him in the truck anyway.
So, I've been thinking about him, but not that much. I've been thinking mostly about Jonah, and this other guy that I can't even talk about because I don't want to be tempted to email him because I already know we're not good for each other, and we bring out all kinds of bad stuff when we talk, and even though it's incredibly hot and all that, and I really miss him a lot, I know it's better for him if I don't email him. So I'm not.
I really miss men though. I wish I could find a new friend online. I don't want to go fishing for one though. I'm tired of being the one that puts forth all the effort in a relationship. I need someone to do stuff for me for once, make me feel special and all that.
Yesterday I was so tired of everything, I basically made Leo take care of the kids. He took the baby and left the house for a while and the two older kids were playing video games. It was somewhat relaxing.
The other day, I was so mad at him. I wanted to go shopping. Remember, I am home all day every day with no car. We have one car, and Leo takes it to work. Yes, sometimes he works at home, but I never have free reign to go where I want when I want, even if I am taking kids with me.
For example...
I think it was Saturday. Leo slept really late. He drank too much the night before and was up throwing up all night, I think. Anyway, I know he got sick from drinking too much, so I let him sleep in. Truthfully, I rarely bother him when he sleeps in on the weekends. I just let him sleep and I do what I do. So, it was getting really late, like afternoon, so I decided to take a shower and go out shopping. I planned to take all the kids with me. I wanted to go to the craft store and get some art stuff and some scrapbooking stuff. So of course Leo wakes up when I am getting ready to go, and he gives me shit about going! He's like, how long are you going to be gone? I'm going to be here with no car. I'm thinking (but I don't dare say) like I am all the time? I said I'd be back before dark, which was something like 9 hours later. I was kidding. I finally said I'd be gone a couple hours because I wanted to go to the craft store and the grocery store. Anyway, I took the two youngest kids while the oldest stayed home and played video games. Yes, my girls play a lot of video games, and on the computers, anyway...
So, I wound up only going to the craft store because the weather got bad and I didn't want to take the girls out in the rain, but I was so pissed. I mean, I am taking the kids, who cares when I'm going to be back? He will never give me a time when he's going to be back, ever, no matter what, he does whatever the fuck he wants to do any time. Today he's at work. He didn't go in until around one and he says he wants to stay until really late, like midnight.
He doesn't even try to think about what it is like for me here with the kids. I mean, he gave me a slight break yesterday, but I seriously had to beg for it, and give him a blow job, and it wasn't even all day, just a few hours when he took the baby. I still had the others.
He has no idea what I mean when I say I need a break. I need a break, a long break, and I need it more often than when I am so close to the edge I'm in tears. I need it before that. I need him to take the kids at least one night a week and just do everything for them when he gets home from work and put them to bed and every thing, but I know he would never agree to that. I am working up to it though. I will get it.
Of course, eventually they will all be old enough to do all that themselves, but it is not that close. The baby is only two and a half.
Okay, I am feeling better from all this ranting and raving, although I really want to call Jonah now! I'm not going to though. I'm going to clean something, I guess.
