2008-05-06 - 5:43 p.m.
Tuesday evening
So, I have had exactly no time to write lately. In fact, I have had no time for myself at all lately. None. I moved the baby from her crib into a toddler bed, and now she has become very stubborn with her newfound freedom. Leo wanted all the girls in the same room again, and we finally got the two older girls twin size mattresses. The first night they were all in the same room again and the baby was in her crib, she said her first, and to my knowledge, only, sentence in her life, "get out!" She needed to be in a bed too. I know she'd rather have a twin size bed, but that's just going to have to wait.
So, I am extremely frazzled lately, much, much more than usual. I have not seen or talked to Jonah since the phone call where he told me I had a wrong number, but get this, Leo has now programmed Jonah's number in my phone, along with his name and everything. Great. I really hope he doesn't come over anymore. If he does though, I hope I have the courage to just pretend like my heart isn't broken.
So, Leo is doing okay. Like I've said previously, we're getting along all right lately, better than we have in a long time, if not forever, but I have a feeling it has a lot to do with me "knowing" how to behave around him. I know I'm not myself. The other day I found some books that one of my ex bf's had given me. In our brief time together, he gave me several, and he always wrote sweet notes inside them to me, and occasionally, every couple of years or so, I like to go read those notes and remember how he used to feel about me, and I cry. This last time, though I realized that I wasn't crying because I missed him, which I've actually known for a while now, but I finally figured out I was crying because I missed me. I miss who I used to be back when I thought I had a future, you know? I mean, when I was dumb enough to think that I could actually matter in this world. I don't even know what that means anymore. I have three children, so I will have ancestors, right? So does that mean I matter? In one hundred years will there be anyone on this planet that knows I ever existed?
I wonder how many people I could think of that existed over a hundred years ago that I still know their name. Well, all the founding fathers. That was special though, there's no more countries to be founded. I always wanted to be a writer, and I still do. Are there any writers that lived over a hundred years ago that we still read? I can think of many names of past writers that are no longer living, but off hand, I couldn't tell you if they died over a hundred years ago or not. Not to mention, think of who they are, Shakespeare, lots of poets, Emily Dickinson, Edna St Vincent Milay, and I have a feeling that most if not all of these people weren't even anything in their own time, so I would have to decide if I want to be something now, or something to be remembered, because how many people actually were something special while they were alive and are still something special now? All those people in our history books, how many of them were recognized for their greatness in their own life times? Even Abe Lincoln, who many say is the best president of all time was very much disliked by many many people in his life time, so much so that he wasn't even on the ballot in the south when he was running for president, which makes me wonder how he got elected anyway, but I guess that is something we'll never know, because although we have history books, people never really know what happened, do they? Think about today, things are happening today, right now, but how sure are you of the facts? I mean, sometimes I hear supposed "facts" about goings on in other parts of the world, and I cannot believe that people are talking about the same place. People are always saying how other countries have governments that limit their media and knowledge of events, but our country has media that does that. Did you ever think of that? Who decides what information is "relevant" to the American people? It isn't Pres. Bush. It's the news media. They get to decide just how much we should know about anything and everything.
Okay, I have been kind of rambling on and on, and who knows where I started or where I was going, but I'm getting off now.
Thanks for letting me get all that out. :)
