2008-05-01 - 6:24 a.m.
EARLY Thursday morning
Okay, so I took a little break from dland. It wasn't really that long either, because I kept coming back to check on people. Anyway, I had some serious pmdd again this month, and my new meds are supposed to be helping with that, but apparently not so much. I don't know. It's tough. I have to push myself through those days, and I feel like it's never going to end, and then one day, I wake up, and I feel okay. I don't feel like I want to die, and then I can actually be productive instead of just survive the day, you know?
So, we moved the baby out of her crib into a toddler bed a couple nights ago. It's been an event getting her to stay in bed at night. Finally, last night I got so tired of putting her back in bed that around 11 I put her in her highchair until she started nodding off, and then moved her to her bed. She woke me up at 5:30 this morning. She was in the living room, sort of fussing. She probably didn't know what was going on. She'd never been the only one out of bed before. Anyway, so I got up and here we are. She's in her highchair still, eating breakfast, and watching noggin.
Not much else going on in my life. The other day, I called Jonah and he said I had a wrong number. So, I'm never calling him again. I'm not sure what was up with that. I think he may have been home, but it doesn't matter because I'm not calling him again. He hasn't been over in a long time, and I miss him, but I need to let him go. I know I do. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, how I can't let go of people who obviously need me to go away. I think I just like being abused. Treat me poorly, and I always come back for more, be nice and take care of me, and I will leave. I've done it before, plenty of times. Leo and I are getting along better than ever, and it's new and interesting. A little scary, but I guess since we've been together so long, I really don't worry so much about him leaving me anymore. Although, he does say stuff like, "if we get a divorce" "if you leave me" and I finally told him, don't say that anymore. I think we're here. We've made it. We've been through so much together, and we're still together, and I know I love him, at least, what I think of as love. It's hard for me to say, but does it really matter anyway? I mean, this is my life, he's my husband, and we have three children, and here we are, this is it. Remember how I said take it or leave it? And I have decided to take it, and for the most part, it's working out well for me. Yes, I miss Jonah, yes, I miss Danny, but I am still here. I'm doing okay without them. Maybe one day I will get through the whole day without wondering what they are up to. In the meantime, here I am, and this is what I do. I live my life, and I try to be more positive about things.
Anyway, that was probably my lamest entry ever, but that's okay. It isn't like anyone reads this anyway, right? :)
