2008-04-01 - 8:20 p.m.
Tuesday night
So, Leo worked at home today, so I couldn't write until now. He's gone for a little while.
I think I'm really done with Jonah. I know I've said that before, but I keep calling him anyway, but I'm done, really done. He's out of town right now, and seriously, if he doesn't email me while he's alone in his hotel room, then there's really no hope. Not to mention, Leo is saying that he's going to dump him as a friend too, cause he's such a loser. I know he's a loser. I really do. The thing is, I see so much potential in him, but he just never does anything with it, and it's really quite frustrating. Enough about him. I really think I'm done with him. We'll see.
And since I'm basically out of real-life (and virtual, as the case may be) boyfriends, I have fallen in lust with a character on a show Leo and I have been watching, called The Wire. I totally have the hots for McNulty. In this one scene, he was sitting on this chick's couch, and he had on a tshirt and jeans, and I do not lie, I almost cried at how sexy he looked. Me, tearing up over this sexy, sexy man, with Leo sitting right there. Anyway, I told Leo I think he's hot, and Leo thinks he gets too much pussy, but he's a fictional character, so what are you going to do? I told Leo well, he's got no friends, and no wife (his wife left him after he cheated on her) and he barely gets to see his kids. Anyway, I don't think I'd want to be married to McNulty, but I sure wouldn't mind having him fuck my brains out for a few years, if you know what I mean. I don't think I'd get tired of that any time soon.
So, anyway, on to real life. Leo and I seem to be getting along all right. He's stressed out about whether or not he should quit his job, and I'm trying to be supportive, but also encourage him not to leave that job, at least not without something lined up, something with at least as much as he's making now. I don't want to go back to where we were. Having all 5 of us in that tiny little 700 sq ft, no other word but shack, no A/C (in Texas!), no heat, which isn't as bad, but the fact of the matter is, it was way too crowded, and it sucked really bad, and if I hadn't had to go through that, perhaps I wouldn't have to be on medication now. I don't know. I'll probably never know.
I feel like I'm showing off for someone, and I don't really know who or why. I used to come to this place to be myself, and I need to be myself here. I can't show off, or try to behave like I think people want me to, because truthfully, I'm not good at that, and I never do quite behave the way I people want me to. That is, whatever I think is not really what they want. Anyway, I'm really just rambling now, so I'd better go. I'm much better at writing my actual thoughts about things in the mornings.
