2008-01-24 - 8:24 p.m.
Thursday night
So, last week was my birthday. At least I wasn't in the hospital recovering from surgery this year. It was a pretty decent birthday overall. I was in a good mood, and I relaxed and enjoyed my day.
Leo is asleep. He does this a lot. He'll stay up really late for a few nights in a row, sleep in, stay up late, sleep in, and then, when his body can't handle it anymore, he goes to bed super early. And he's always pissy. It doesn't matter how nice I am to him, or what nice things I say to him, he just says, "mmmhmmm" like I don't mean it, and he gets mad at me for everything. I miss Jonah so much! He's got this new job, and now we can't ever talk, and he doesn't come over nearly as much as he used to, and even if he does, I'm not really allowed to hang out with him, and we certainly can't be affectionate. It's so lame, this lame-ass relationship we don't even have.
I was looking at some diaries of some people that I used to talk to online. Some that I met here. I used to talk to many, many, men online, until I got back with Jonah, but now, Jonah is really not there for me, and I feel like I need someone. The main problem with the online men is that they aren't really there for me either. I know this, yet I want to meet one. I am so lonely. I feel so unloved, and I know a lot of it has to do with my excessive neediness, but what can I do? I feel like my husband is excessively selfish. It was my birthday last week, and we didn't even have sex, and in fact, I think we've only had it once since then, even though I've been begging him for it practically every day. I'm the one on the meds that are supposed to kill your libido, but I still want it. My libido may have slowed down, but it's still there. I still want to feel sexy and loved.
Anyway, I wonder if any of the men I used to know ever think about me. Not just the ones online, but my old boyfriends. Before I married my husband, I had dated (at least, gone out on at least one date with) one hundred men, around a hundred. Anyway, I certainly can't remember all their names, but I wonder if any of them ever think about me. Sometimes I remember some of them even without remembering their name. I also wonder about the ones that I don't remember at all. Do any of them remember me? Is anyone trying to find me online, or read old letters I had written? Before I met my husband, many of the men I talked to and dated I had met online. Where are they all now? Are they all married with kids now? What is happening in their lives? I think I am just more curious than anything. I mean, you share some of your life with someone, and then they are gone, vanish, like it never happened, yet, I know that somewhere, they are still living, well, most likely, still around, doing whatever it is they do, day by day, just like me. I guess it would be nice just to hear from them somehow, just to know they still remember me, just to know they are okay. I don't know, I guess that's sort of lame.
Here's something. My exfiance emailed me happy birthday on my birthday. Now, we broke up 14 years ago, and we had been in touch for a while, but I know he didn't email me last year, and I feel like it's been at least a year since his last email, I don't really remember, but then here I get one, right on my birthday too, not the day before or after, and he says he misses me, and happy birthday, and I email him back, but nothing.
I can't believe that this May will be nine years of marriage for me. I really can't. It's unimaginable for me to be with one person that long. Perhaps it's because I have had my side friendships that helps me. I am so lonely now. I need another friend. Jonah is just not working out.
