2008-05-16 - 7:52 a.m.
Friday morning
I know it's been a while since I've written, but I really haven't had time. Leo rarely leaves the house anymore, and if he does, I have the kids to take care of. Right now, the baby and I are awake, and everyone else is asleep, so I thought I'd write a little. I've had some stuff on my mind that I need to sort out.
I've been thinking about Jonah a lot, a lot, I miss him so much. Then I started thinking about how he's been acting lately, and I don't miss that. He's been real stand offish, and not very into us at all. I don't miss that. I miss how we used to be, our friendship, and more, but then I started thinking even more, and I realize that it isn't him I miss at all, but the potential him that I see in there, but really isn't ever going to come to light. I need to let him go, and I really feel like he's been purposely avoiding coming over here to end this stuff. Last night he called Leo and I was able to answer the phone and ask him if he was mad at me, and he said no, but he was acting really weird again, like he wanted me to get off the phone, and he wasn't happy that I had answered it. I don't know. I need to get over him, get over the whole needing a "backup." I guess. I don't know. I really miss being able to talk to him because I could talk to him about anything. I have my female friends that I can talk to about stuff, but it isn't the same. I have to put on an act and act like I think a person in my position (that is, married mom of three) should act, and I have to act my way through my marriage also. The only person I could really and truly be myself with was Jonah, and now he's gone. It makes me think that I was right all along, the real me sucks, and no one wants a part of her. The me I have to show to everyone, the me I act like I am, that's the me that people like, and it isn't even really me. Not to mention, the longer I go without being able to be the real me, the harder and more frustrating it gets for me.
I still think about killing myself practically everyday, but it's odd, it isn't really like I'm so depressed like I was. In fact, I feel pretty good most days now, but sometimes I just feel like everything is so hopeless, and what's the fucking point? I try and try but get nowhere. Leo has been very supportive towards me lately, and not mad when I feel down anymore. He's been loving and kind, and I really appreciate it, and I know it's helping me get through, but sometimes it's so hard, and I think of how many days I could possibly have left in my life, and I think, I can't push this hard through every single day forever. I don't know, maybe I can. I'm still here.
